New Material.

The rumours have finally been confirmed.  Prince Henry of Wales and Meghan Markle will wed next year.  This should give the writers at the American tabloids new material to use to create clueless headlines.  I'm sure it won't be long before we see some variation on Queen Tells Tearful Kate, "Meghan Will Be Queen!"  Not that it works that way.  UK law determines the line of succession, which currently puts Harry in fifth place, after Prince Charles, Prince William, and William's children.  He'll be in sixth place next spring when the third child of William and the Duchess of Cambridge is born.  We're also sure to see more general headlines about infighting between Markle and her new in-laws, and ongoing rumours about whether she's pregnant or not.

Unfortunately you're also likely to see some really nasty headlines if you visit the nastier parts of the Internet and small press.  Markle's mother is African-American, which should get some racists foaming at the mouth.

Of course Harry's place in the line of succession may not matter.  If Charles is anything like his parents and grandmother he may end up being King into his 90s or later, and who knows what status the monarchy will have by then?

And if you were a fan of Markle's work, you're probably out of luck seeing any more.  I doubt she'll keep acting once she's married.

Like Father, Like Son?

Prince George, third in line to the British throne, will turn one in a couple of days.  Thinking about how long his great great and great grandmothers have lived I found myself wondering how old he might be when he takes the throne.  And then the thought came to mind about whether the American tabloids will be writing the same kind of things about George and William they currently write about William and Charles years from now.  Namely that the succession should go to the son, instead of the horrible father no one likes.  Yeah, people like William now, but the same could have been said about his father Charles at the same age.  Not that it matters, the reigning monarch has no say in who replaces them. 

Contradicting Conspiracies.

As I've mentioned before the US Globe tabloid likes to publish anti-Barack Obama stories.  The latest one I've seen claims that Bill Clinton has evidence that Obama isn't a real American citizen. However, he supposedly hasn't revealed it because he's afraid Obama will have him killed.  I found this amusing given that during the Clinton Administration the right wing crankosphere was obsessed with Clinton death lists, lists of all the people Clinton supposedly had killed.  Merely dying in Arkansas at some point could probably get you on a list, no matter how little connection you had with Clinton.  But apparently Clinton must have lost his death squad at some point, since he's apparently worried about Obama's death squad.  Of course if you take the story at face value the best way to avoid being killed would be simply to reveal the information.  There wouldn't be much point in Obama killing Clinton once the cat was out of the bag.  But hey, that's me using rational person logic, which is just what the conspiracy wants me to do.

I wonder if The Globe did any Clinton death list stories back in the '90s.

Not Really News.

The title of this post could apply to much of what comes out of the US tabloids, but today we're specifically looking at the latest issue of the National Examiner.  Amongst the headlines is one about how Pat Robertson is supposedly losing his mind.  I hate to break it to them, but lots of people have thought ole Pat was a loon a long time ago.  He likely doesn't have much mind to lose in the first place.  

Oh That Globe.

If you bother to look at the tabloids as you stand in the checkout line you've probably noticed that the Globe seems very fond these days of printing anti Barack Obama stories.  The latest issue I've seen has as its cover story another "shocking revelation" that Obama is secretly a Muslim.  I wonder if anyone at the publication actually believes this nonsense or if such stories are simply to suck in more readers on the fringe.  If the latter it must be working or they'd find someone else to concentrate on. 

C.D.

Michael Jackson mania continues in the tabs, and I doubt it will let up anytime soon. But one example I saw today was especially eye rolling. The cover story for the latest National Examiner is Michael's autopsy, and the headlines include the claim he starved himself to death. Right below that was a headline that read "Lose 5 pounds this week on the lemonade diet." Rather a case of cognative dissonance there.

The Gosselins And The Tabloids.

Yes, dear reader, even here you must be subjected to more Jon and Kate(or should that be Jonandkate?) if only so I can riff on the tabloids and other entertainment media. If you don't know who I'm talking about, don't worry, and be very grateful you don't.

Standing in line to buy a snack this morning I was assaulted with several covers featuring the couple, including a tabloid headline featuring Kate Gosselin's supposed ex-fiance and the dirt he would dish within. Frankly before this is over I expect everyone she's ever so much as looked at wrong to be interviewed, including the poor 7/11 clerk she didn't thank promptly enough when she was ten. After all she has tended to be portrayed as the villain in the whole piece as this nonsense has built up. I wouldn't at all be surprised to see some of the following headlines on the tabs in fairly short order:

KATE KILLED JFK! New Book Says She Was The Grassy Knoll Shooter.

BIGFOOT IS THE SEXTUPLET'S DADDY! Kate's Tearful Confession To Jon.

DID ET IMPREGNATE KATE? The Shocking Evidence!

KATE DUMPS JON FOR OCTOMOM! Their Lesbian Wedding Plans!

JON AND KATE'S SHOCKING FUTURE! What Nostradamus Says.

JON'S MOM IS AN ILLEGAL ALIEN! Is He Really An American?

The scary thing is the JFK headline is the only one that's really unbelieveable as a tabloid headline, and frankly I wouldn't put it past the rags not to use it.

Out of the whole family it must be hardest on the oldest girls, who are nine. They can read and are no doubt old enough to understand what some of the more outlandish claims floating around mean. Unfortunately it's likely to get worse before the tabloids finally get tired of the whole thing and move on to someone else.

Hard Up For Headlines?

Waiting in line at the local Shoppers Drug Mart today I scanned the covers of the various publications located near the cash register. One of the was The Globe tabloid. One of the cover stories made me wonder. It was about a supposed plot to kill Doris Day. Perhaps the demographics of the typical tabloid buyer are older than I thought, because I have trouble seeing the same folks who want to know the supposed latest about Brad and Angelina being interested in Ms. Day. She's largely been out of the public eye by her own choice since the early 1970s. Some of the younger audience for the gossip rags probably don't even have a clue as to who she is and what made her famous. So it seems kind of odd they'd have her prominently featured on the cover. Perhaps they needed a break from "Brangelina," and Britney Spears and Lindsey Lohan have managed to go a few weeks without making total specticles of themselves.